I burned a finger on my turkey roaster recently. The blister popped and the burn left a dent in my finger — a painful, ugly, scabbed-over dent. Ouch and yuck.
The simmering feeling of disgruntled chef-wannabe shame that was left in me after making such an amateur mistake (grabbing the hot roaster handle sans oven mitt) is just about boiling over.
Turkeys are dangerous. As are their hot roasting pans. They want revenge! After all, do YOU want to be some other species’ dinner? No! So it stands to reason that even after death, those fowl beings seethe with malice. They lie in wait for the unsuspecting cook, ready to burn you, show up what a failure you are at holiday meal-planning, and give your guests salmonella.
I present photographic evidence. This one is all but ready to jump out and attack:
Can’t you feel the hatred? This next one has allowed its true nature to appear. Turkeys are really aliens!
Some specimens deviously attempt to lure male cooks to their hot, steamy deaths:
To stop the intellectual chef in his or her tracks, the evil turkey will even stand up and start lecturing!
Some turkeys will even give up the pretense of death and attempt to climb right out of the roaster!
And what happens if the turkey’s escape plan succeeds? It will soon take over the kitchen and move on toward world domination! Oh, the horror!
Stand guard with me, friends. We can’t let turkeys run riot over our kitchens or our homes! Our entire way of life is at risk — our entire nation! Think of it! Headless, de-feathered turkeys everywhere! If their plans succeed, our world would never be the same.
We can not let this happen. So, no matter how traditional it is to roast a turkey around the holidays, for safety’s sake, I suggest we all switch to ham. (Pigs aren’t nearly as devious.)