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The Geeklets are watching “Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman.”  Those squeaky, nasal voices send me back about 25 years.

Alvin and the Chipmunks, He-Man, She-Ra, Transformers, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, GI Joe, Inspector Gadget, Scooby Doo, Care Bears, Duck Tales . . . cartoons I watched in the late, the great, the 1980s.

There’s things about the ’80s that I can do without.  The hair.  The makeup.  The shoulder pads.  (Shudder.)  But I’d give just about anything for the cartoons of 2012 to be more like the cartoons of the ’80s.  If they were, we might actually consider paying for TV.  By the way, does free broadcast TV even exist anymore?  PBS, maybe?  Or do you have to pay for that, too?

No, we don’t have TV.  We have Netflix Instant Streaming, which is how I am now listening to this awesome song while I write:


I double dog dare you to not like that song.

Now, there’s two ways I can see this blog post going from here: it could turn into an 80s cartoon theme-song extravaganza (Go, Gadget, go!!) or I could explain why we don’t do TV, and have fun bashing SpongeBob SquarePants.

I’ll take option two.  I just looooove to hate that bright yellow sponge.

SpongeBob SquarePants.  (More shuddering.)  The very name is annoying.  I mean, it’s a sponge.  Why, exactly, is it wearing pants?  Does it have genitalia of any sort that  must stay zipped up, thus necessitating the pants?  And why are they square?  Everyone knows that real sponges, which are very simple animals, do not naturally grow into squares.  Now, you might say that SpongeBob is supposed to be a kitchen sponge, not a natural sponge; then why, I ask, is it living at the bottom of the sea?

I’ve spent a total of about ten twitchy minutes watching that evil show, upon several different mind-numbing occasions, mostly in cruel pediatricians’ waiting rooms, and THAT WAS ENOUGH.  Actually, it was more than enough to convince me that I don’t want my kids to grow up watching that vomitus from an art school drop-out’s acid-frizzled brain.  No offence, whoever created that detestable cartoon, but thanks for nothing but yet another reason to not watch TV.

Here’s the other reasons we don’t watch TV:

1) The news.

2) Commercials.

3) Too.  Much.  Sex.

Numbers 2 and 3 kinda go together a lot.  Sex sells!  “Oooh, I’m so sexy floating around in this weird dark swimming pool wearing nothing but a flimsy curtain, which looks like it’s on me by accident and which may fall off at any moment.  Buy this shampoo!”  Good grief, purveyors of shampoo!

Commercials are annoying, whether they are sexy or not.  All that sex being thrown around like there’s no tomorrow is annoying, too, on top of which my grade-school and pre-school kids don’t need to know about XYZ Intimate Solutions Lubricating Goop, or whatever.  And, quite frankly, neither do I and SuperDad.  We are perfectly capable of not needing to know anything about any sort of Lubricating Goop to make anything, uh, goopier, thank you very much indeed, and you probably didn’t need to know that, did you?  It just goes to show, there is such a thing as too much stuff about sex, and TV has it in spades.

But my #1 reason we don’t watch TV is the news.  Do I really need to explain?  Isn’t it obvious to everyone?  Guess not.  OK, here goes.

There’s no such thing as objective reporting anymore.  No such thing as pure statement of fact!  Everything has a spin on it.  On top if which, most of what gets reported is either political or tragic in nature; in Yours Truly’s not so humble opinion, the whole political game in this country is a farce, so why waste my brain cells on it?  As for tragedy: do I really need to rub my nose in other peoples’ pain?  Do I need to rub my kids’ noses in that pain?  I know bad things happen; horrific things, unbelievably disgusting things happen, but I don’t need to immerse myself and my kids and make us all roll around in it, in order to be an intelligent, compassionate, responsible person, nor to raise my kids to be intelligent, compassionate, responsible people, either.

*Stepping of the soapbox.*

Whew, I’m glad I got that off my chest.  But seriously (and I’m going to sound like an old fogey here), can’t people find anything better to do these days than watch TV?

Go read a book!  Or my blog.